My Tolerance Levels
I actually don’t know where to start with this one, it’s not an easy one to explain but it’s something that I’ve noticed since my bone marrow transplant a year ago. I’ve noticed that my tolerance levels with pretty much everything are very low, stress, pain, emotions, patience, just generally all round, but it’s something I’m working on every day to get better at, I don’t have the same tolerance levels as normal people at the moment but I’ll get there.
I’m finding that trying to adjust to normal life again is exhausting, I feel it’s mostly due to lingering fatigue and also the lazy brain issue I mentioned in an earlier blog where I have problems with attention, focus, concentration and memory, it all seems to be interconnected. I want to get back to normality with everything sooner rather than later but at the same time it really takes it out of me so I can only do what I can do.
I go home to visit my parents a lot, especially due to the fact that I’m not back at work yet so have plenty of free time, but I find on occasions when I’m overly stressed and fatigued well I’ll be honest, I march around the house like a grumpy man in bad form, and I hate when it happens. It’s not me!
I was home for my birthday recently and on the morning of my birthday I was tired, anxious, and stressed out which caused me to be in such bad form. I was so anxious about having friends over that evening incase I was too tired or wasn’t able to keep up chatting because it’s something I find difficult at the best of times, especially in the morning and evenings.
Anyway, my grumpiness spilled out that morning and I know my parents noticed, but thankfully they understand, I often apologise to them before I even get grumpy knowing that I’m about to get there, or after I’ve been grumpy. I explain that I don’t mean to be so out of sorts but it’s just that it’s because I’m struggling, but they get it so they always tell me to stop being silly, I’m grateful they understand, and thankfully I ended up having a wonderful birthday with my friends and family.
In relation to any sort of pain, I get so annoyed now when I have to get injections or anything that would cause me discomfort, I was put through so much during the course of the last few years that what use to be just a simple injection is now so discomforting for me because of how much I have been poked at while going through my illness. My thresholds have been smashed. I’m just back from the dentist this afternoon and had to get some work done, I just found it so hard to deal with while I was in there because I just can’t take any more injections, pain or discomfort anymore, I’ve totally lost my ability to cope with things that I wouldn’t have thought twice about previously, even a simple blood test and I just tense right up.
Even emotionally things upset me a lot more, simple things, maybe the way someone might speak to me, or even something I see on tv even affects me, I could be watching tv or a movie and all of a sudden I see something violent and my body physically shakes for a brief moment because it’s a reminder of a fear I have due to the severity of what I went through. Literally any bad news upsets me, it just digs that much deeper when I hear something upsetting.
If someone upsets me it can actually effect me for quite a long time, I don’t brush things off as easily as I would have before, I definitely take things more to heart, it could affect me all day long and especially at night when I’m trying to sleep, I’ve turned in to an absolute softie!
I’ve also realised that when I’m out with someone and it happens to be particularly loud I find it incredibly stressful, I just don’t do well in noisy places at the moment, and I’m talking about even a noisy restaurant. I think it’s mostly due to the fact that I still have attention and concentration issues and I find it so difficult to focus on what people around me might be talking about if it’s noisy, you can actually see the look of distress on my face. Same goes for crowded places, whether it’s walking in town or in a shopping center, I just don’t cope well in crowded places, I feel it’s because I have a lower patience tolerance for some reason, but it’s something I’m working on.
My brain just isn’t up to speed yet, it doesn’t have the same functionality as it did prior to all the treatment, not yet anyway, it seems to be the case that as my brain isn’t fully up to speed yet I just find all these issues a lot more difficult to cope with but it’s slowly getting better, I’ll just take it one day at a time.
It sounds like simple stuff, day to day stuff for any person, but it’s the stuff I find most difficult at the moment, but it’s something I’m working on every single day to get better at, to be more patient and calm, to be more attentive, to be more aware, it is something that at times physically exhausts me and when it does I step back and think well I’m trying my best every single day, and I can only do what I can do and that’s it.
Thankfully the people around me understand that I’m still recovering and still trying to get better so they get it, they get that daily life is a struggle for me but also know that I’m doing the best I can in getting through this very long recovery process.
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