So the last two months of torment were down to a nasty virus, my trip to the hospital was down to the virus, the full body scan I was put through was due to the virus, the worry, the stress, the tiredness was all down to a virus, and it was a nasty one! It’s been an absolute pain, but at the same time I will take a virus over a relapse all day long! My immune system is mostly non-existent so anything I pick up hits me a lot harder than a normal person, the symptoms are greatly magnified, I’ve been told it will be anther year before my immune system returns to some sort of normality, however I may be immunosupressed long term which is absolute pain but sure what will be will be, one thing for sure is that I do not want to spend another winter floored by a flu or cold!
The virus pretty much floored me so any running I had been doing went out the window, it really bothered me before but now I just try to take it in my stride as much as possible. It’s not easy as I basically have to start from the start again every single time. There’s nothing I can do about it for now and at the end of the day I have to look after my body. It’s just so frustrating when my mind is so motivated to go out running and exercise but my body is lagging way behind, I just have to be patient and that isn’t always easy to do, but after what my body has been put through I’ve learned to be patient and to put my body first!
Thankfully now I am able to venture back out in the runners, last week I had one or two little runs out just to test how I was getting on and I seem to be ready to go again, albeit as early as possible as this amazing sunshine has made it fairly hot out there.
Wow, and what a few weeks of sunshine we’ve had! Some people are probably getting tired of the hot weather by now but not me, we had so many months of depressing cold, rain and snow that I wouldn’t dare to complain for one single moment. I didn’t get around to posting a blog last week, partly because I was so busy sitting outside eating ice cream all day but also because I was having a good think about where I am in my life right now.
It’s FINALLY happening!
Some of the toughest, biggest and most upsetting issues that I have been trying to cope with since my bone marrow transplant last year are brain related. Due to the severe treatment regime that I was put through, I had a number issues with my brain, mainly that I was finding it really difficult to maintain any sort of attention or concentration while chatting to people, I was finding it difficult to remember words, trying to focus on anything was tough, and my speed of processing while trying to think, talk or respond to someone was so incredibly slow.
I would literally be in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was talking about, not just once or twice, but all the time. Remembering names of people I should really know was tough, it still is actually, trying to maintain attention or eye contact with people was non-existent. I’ve been in such a bubble the last few years, I’ve had to get re-accustomed to actually listening to people again, I’ve had to learn to engage in a bit of the awld eye contact while chatting to people again instead of my eyes and mind just wandering off in to the abyss. People would be talking to me and I would literally fade away and start looking around the room, what people must have been thinking I just don’t know!
I still find it difficult to engage in long conversations or actually listen to someone talk fast, every now and then while out with friends they’ll get a tap from me and I just have to say that they’ve lost me, my polite way of saying slow down or shhhhhhhhhhh please. I can’t describe how stressful it is for me to keep up during conversations sometimes, it’s really very difficult, especially when I’m tired, or basically any morning or evening! The specialist says that I have lazy brain as it’s been out of action for a good three years, but that when I return to work and my brain is being exercised more that it will all improve greatly.
Lately though, during the last few weeks I have noticed a huge improvement with everything, I’m able to chat more, listen better, respond to people better, I have noticed that my vocabulary is so much better, I can actually remember words again! I don’t feel as awkward around people, I’m trying to get use to being around people again or at events where there are a lot of people because that is one of the things I have found most difficult over the course of the last year. It was so hard to go to a family dinner or a birthday with lots of people because it takes so much energy out of me just trying to listen to people or to maintain conversations, but it’s getting somewhat easier now, finally. So with all of that improving and getting easier to manage, I realise that for the first time in a VERY long time I can actually say that I’m happy, all things considering of course!
I’m happy! it’s good to say it, I mean I still have a fair amount of s*** to deal with every single day, but with the way my life is going at the moment, considering where I have come from, considering how much I have improved over the last few months, things just seem to be good at the moment. My all clear in June is obviously a huge part of that, I’m beginning to feel that there is life in this awld dog yet, that I’m getting back to being myself for the first time since 2015, and that I might actually have a positive future after all.
I’m even back jogging some!
I also have my new vests!
(Thank you Scott)
I have also started yoga which feels great! Namaste 🙂
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